My name is Emily
I am nearly two
I am a god!
Now we have the basic information down, let me tell you about my life. Like most toddlers I find myself in the heart breaking position of being surrounded by grown-ups who have no idea;
A. How hard my life is
B. How amazing I am
C. I AM IN CHARGE!
I am constantly subjected to humiliations such as getting dressed (why cant I stay in my onsie until three o'clock, I aint gotta work) nappy changes and bed times, while my favourite activates such as baths, eating toothpaste and emptying toy boxes are constantly curtailed.
I have two pet grown ups who keep me very nicely in toys and food but seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that they are in charge. They answer to lots of different names but the names that get them eating out of my hands are Mummy and Daddy. The daddy word seems to be particularly powerful, if I don't want to sleep in my bed all I have to do is cry the daddy word a few times and before you know it I'm lying horizontally in the big bed, kicking daddy's head and head-butting mummy to my hearts content. The Mummy is what they call a doctor, and I'm not sure if that means she looks after poorly people or spends her days fighting aliens, some days when she comes home it looks like she's been doing the latter. The daddy also works at a hospital, but he spends a lot of time moaning about doctors, so I don't think he is one. He also seems to have something wrong with his hair, it was brown when we first met but I think he is washing it too much and all the colour seems to be leaking out! While I like my pet adults very much, they insist on ruining what could be a beautiful relationship by constantly telling me what to do, what to eat and when to go to bed. I am currently working very hard to re-educate them as to who is in charge and will keep you informed over the next few months as to my progress.
Its not all doom and gloom. In my manic household of five there are two go betweens, acting as much needed buffers between me and the adult world. I initially thought them to be called big sister, as this is how my pet adults refer to them, however, I now know them to be called Beckeeee and Evie.
Beckeeee is lovely, gives me hugs, reads me stories and lets me play ninja on her magic swipy screen thing. She also brings a string of half height girls to the house who tell me I'm amazing and read me endless stories. They seem to get how amazing I am, and never ask me to go to bed. They are good.
Evie is nearer to my height, and therefore I feel she is not so tainted with the grown up brush, however, she is less willing to let me have her stuff, and so must join the ranks of those who do not understand that I am in charge. Don't get me wrong, she has her uses, only this weekend while the mummy was getting ready to go to work, Evie made me an excellent breakfast of chocolate on toast, far better than the porridge rubbish my daddy makes. In the balance of things, she is good.
So this is me, and I am using this as a kind of e-diary, recording my thoughts forever. I have decided to let Evie share it and she will introduce herself in time, however, now I must go. I am planning a daring raid on the local hospital, after all, my mummy and daddy spend all their time at the hospital, so the toys must be amazing!!!
Bye bye for now
(Sponsor my mummy at http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/RachelMarsden1)
No comments:
Post a Comment