The Battle of Bedtime

To sleep, perchance to dream..not on my watch mummykins!!

Hello regal followers, how are you this fine evening?

Tonight my musings take me to that most important of toddler dilemma's, how does one deal with bedtime? Alas this is one of the flash points that often leads to confrontation with my pet grown-up's. They insist of removing me from my toys and doting medium sized people, and trying to make me go to bed, all at the time when I am at my peak performance.

So how do I cope with this daily torture, what steps am I taking to bring my sometimes downright obstinate parents into order and try and bring them round to my sleep philosophy? It isn't easy let me tell you, I am nearly two and I still find myself losing on occasion. Don't get me wrong, we all need to sleep, but there is a time and place for everything. In the car so your are fresh for your supermarket tantrum, on the settee with a knitted blanket over you, and in your parents bed. These are acceptable places to sleep, however in your cage of a cot when you know damn well everyone else in the house is still awake and playing is simply not on. I treat this daily battle like any great task, tactics, research your opponent, know their routines, their power plays and their weaknesses.  Do you think Andy Murray just walked onto centre court and defeated Novak Djokovic, NO, he spent hours training (as do I) and he will have spent many hours watching him play, learning his patterns and his weaknesses. He will also have accepted, as have I, that some battles will be won and some lost but always keeps the faith that ultimately victory will be his.


Friday evening gave a good example of such an epic battle. I sensed triumph was in the air from the off, as Rule One, divide and conquer, was in full swing. The pet daddy was going out to one of those pub places where gown ups buy special juice that makes them giggly and more likely to let us have our own way. He asked Mummy if she wanted to come, but she declined. The mummy is one of those doctor things, and she had been working 12 days without a break and was hence "dog tired and not up to it" She said this in FRONT OF ME!! Rookie mistake, can you imagine Novak saying that he has a dodgy right arm in front of Murray, wouldn't happen, but here was my adversary on the cusp of battle telling me that she was weak! It was on!! Daddy duly left and Evie went upstairs to listen to music in her room. Mummy and I settled to watch telly, but as the appointed hour of bedtime drew near I sensed my opponent grow restless. With a mighty yawn she said "okay Emmi, time for bed" Let the game commence...

Mummy picked me up and carried me upstairs and put me in my pyjama's. I go along with this, as after this has happened I get to brush my teeth and frankly toothpaste is delicious! She then picked me up and put me in my cot. Mummy is much bigger than me and therefore I am powerless to stop her, turning off the light she leaves the room to get changed for bed herself, leaving me locked in my cot, Love-15

Now its my turn, I cry, not just any cry, but an irritating, wailing cry guaranteed to put teeth on edge and wake my by now sleeping sister in the next room. Mummy returns and lies on the floor next to my cot to stop my wailing. 15 all.

I continue to sniff and weep quietly. Mummies everywhere, especially working mummies, suffer from a marvellous affliction called mother guilt. Use this, exploit this! I push my hand through the bars and in in my cutest, most heartbroken voice utter the words "mummy hand" She's putty, and immediately puts her had through the bars at an awkward angle for her so she can hold my hand, thus reducing the time she can stick this out. 30-15

Mummy is laid on the floor and looks like she is in for the long hall, her demeanour seems to say, I can keep this up for as long as I need to, but I know the reality. She's tired, the floor is cold, and she has her hand at an awkward angle. In contrast I am in my nice warm bed, laid on a soft comfy mattress, with my mummy next to me, 40-15.

DISASTER!! The phone rings. Mummy leaves to room to answer. I once again recommence my wailing, pushing it up a couple of octaves to let her know I mean business. She's not gone long, but when she comes back she's wrapped in daddies extra thick dressing gown and has brought a pillow. Looks like I may be staying in my cot after all. 40-30

Now time is starting to move on and Evie next door has fallen into a deep sleep that only a small thermonuclear device could disturb. Mummy is also getting fed up of being on the floor, muttering something about not sleeping on the floor when she has a perfectly good bed.  I sense disaster and start to wail once more, but my opponent has grown a pair, and states that I can cry all I want, she is going to bed. A swift kiss and an I love you and she is gone. Deuce

But I am not done yet, I cry, I kick, I thrash, I know the words to use, "mummy", "need mummy", "mummy come". I cant see her but I know she is there, laid in the big bed listening to me through the magic speaky device. She's tired, she doesn't want to listen to me wail, she's feeling guilty, but's she's sticking it out. She's not coming, she's not giving in, I've been screaming for nearly five whole minutes and she's still in her nice warm bed. Advantage Mummy.

However the screaming goes on for over five minutes, and the words have changed from "Mummy, need Mummy" to "stuck, stuck STUCK" In my kicking and thrashing I have stuck my foot through the bars of the cot and am now firmly stuck in a position that should only be attempted after 30 years on intensive yoga training. Sensing the pain in my cries mummy comes running in and finds me, twisted and sobbing in a heap at one of the cot. DEUCE!

Mummy is horrified, she at ones scopes me up, and , by now too tired to contemplate anything other than her own bed, carries me with her into the expanse of pillows and mattress.  We settle down and gives me a cuddle, feeling thoroughly guilty for not coming earlier. Advantage Emily.

Finally, exhausted from the epic battle, we both fall asleep, me safely nestled in mummy's arms in the big bed, Game Set and Match Miss Marsden.

So my subjects, as you can see battles can be won, and my advice, simply

1.  Know your opponent
2. Believe in yourself
3. and if in doubt, don't be afraid of injuring yourself to get your own way

Finally, a request. As you may know the reason my pet mummy is so tired is she is training to run a marathon. She is doing this to raise money for Tommy's in memory of Quinn Savage, a little man mummy tells me should have having very similar adventures now, but was taken to be with the angels. Mummy wants to make sure that as many babies as possible have the chance to grow up like me, a hard nosed self centred lovable little megalomaniac!  She intends to do this by raising money for www.tommys.org  Please share my blog to as many people as possible, so they can sponsor her or learn about Tommy's.

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/RachelMarsden1

Meet the Girls - Introducing Emily

My name is Emily

I am nearly two

I am a god!

Now we have the basic information down, let me tell you about my life. Like most toddlers I find myself in the heart breaking position of being surrounded by grown-ups who have no idea;

             A. How hard my life is
             B. How amazing I am
             C. I AM IN CHARGE!

I am constantly subjected to humiliations such as getting dressed (why cant I stay in my onsie until three o'clock, I aint gotta work) nappy changes and bed times, while my favourite activates such as baths, eating toothpaste and emptying toy boxes are constantly curtailed.

I have two pet grown ups who keep me very nicely in toys and food but seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that they are in charge. They  answer to lots of different names but the names that get them eating out of my hands are Mummy and Daddy. The daddy word seems to be particularly powerful, if I don't want to sleep in my bed all I have to do is cry the daddy word a few times and before you know it I'm lying horizontally in the big bed, kicking daddy's head and head-butting mummy to my hearts content. The Mummy is what they call a doctor, and I'm not sure if that means she looks after poorly people or spends her days fighting aliens, some days when she comes home it looks like she's been doing the latter. The daddy also works at a hospital, but he spends a lot of time moaning about doctors, so I don't think he is one. He also seems to have something wrong with his hair, it was brown when we first met but I think he is washing it too much and all the colour seems to be leaking out! While I like my pet adults very much,  they insist on ruining what could be a beautiful relationship by constantly telling me what to do, what to eat and when to go to bed. I am currently working very hard to re-educate them as to who is in charge and will keep you informed over the next few months as to my progress.

Its not all doom and gloom. In my manic household of five there are two go betweens, acting as much needed buffers between me and the adult world. I initially thought them to be called big sister, as this is how my pet adults refer to them, however, I now know them to be called Beckeeee and Evie.

Beckeeee is lovely, gives me hugs, reads me stories and lets me play ninja on her magic swipy screen thing. She also brings a string of half height girls to the house who tell me I'm amazing and read me endless stories. They seem to get how amazing I am, and never ask me to go to bed. They are good.

Evie is nearer to my height, and therefore I feel she is not so tainted with the grown up brush, however, she is less willing to let me have her stuff, and so must join the ranks of those who do not understand that I am in charge. Don't get me wrong, she has her uses, only this weekend while the mummy was getting ready to go to work, Evie made me an excellent breakfast of chocolate on toast, far better than the porridge rubbish my daddy makes. In the balance of things, she is good.

So this is me, and I am using this as a kind of e-diary, recording my thoughts forever. I have decided to let Evie share it and she will introduce herself in time, however, now I must go. I am planning a daring raid on the local hospital, after all, my mummy and daddy spend all their time at the hospital, so the toys must be amazing!!!

Bye bye for now

(Sponsor my mummy at http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/RachelMarsden1)